appletat2

How to survive Apple’s big day.

 If you’re like me, you are at best mildly curious to see what Apple unveils in Flint, MI, tomorrow.  At worst, you’re dreading the onslaught of Apple news, commentary, and reactions.  If the rumours about the iWatch and iPhone 6 are true, tomorrow could be the most annoying launch day in Apple’s history. 
It won’t be easy, but it is possible to get through tomorrow without being bombarded.
  • Don’t turn on the TV.  There will be speculation about what will be revealed, what effect it will have and why we should care.  I can assure you that it won’t be all that interesting.
  • Do not turn on your radio on the way to work.  If you still listen to traditional radio in your car, now might be a good time to look into streaming services, satellite radio, mix tapes, audio books, meditation, anything.
  • When you get to work, avoid anyone wearing an Apple shirt.  Just skirt around them a la  Office Space.  If they’ve chosen today to show their undying support for a brand, you don’t want to talk to them.  Trust me.
  • Turn off all updates on your phone.  Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, vine, Facebook, flipboard, all of them  Do the same on your computer. Uninstall your browsers if need be. Filter all emails with Apple in the subject line to your junk mail.  You may not think that certain feeds will be filled with Apple gushing, but you’ll be wrong.

At some point during the day, someone will probably want to talk to you about an iSomething.  I have two surefire strategies for this scenario.  For the more casual conversation partner, I suggest a quick change of topics.  Ignore the question completely and ask them about something else they care about.  How’s your kid doing in softball this year? or You look great, are you exercising?  The key here is to sound really excited to talk to them.  I’ll leave it to you to decide whether hearing about little Billy’s last home run is better than hearing about how “revolutionary”, “game changing”, or “disruptive” the iWatch will be.

If they have the glazed eyes and sweaty palms of a rabid fan boy, they will need something a little more…jarring.  If you can feign a good cry, do it now.  Clutch your mouth and start sobbing. Maintain eye contact for a few seconds before running away while flailing your arms.  If you can’t cry on demand, I’d substitute an urgent bathroom trip. Key here is a sudden look of surprise mixed with sheer terror.  Exit the area immediately with one hand on your stomach and the other on the seat of your pants.
If you can make it through the work day, you should be home free.  Just remember to stay away from any sort of live news or comments.  It’s not easy, but it can be done.  Things should be back to normal in a couple of days.  Of course, it may just be easier to call in sick and cocoon yourself in bed until the hysteria subsides.  Good luck.

Photos courtesy of theapplecollection.com